I’ve always been a person who better expresses herself with written words than spoken words. I have wished to fix that over the years but I feel that written words last forever as opposed to those spoken. I have recently come across some of my old journals and they have made me realize that I have changed more than I had ever imagined changing within a 3 year time span. I have broken all my rules when it comes to where and who I should be with and how I should be. I have changed my plans I made 3 years ago and realized that all my life I have based my life off schedules of who, where and how I should be….I am grateful that I have not followed those plans I have set in the past and live my life with an open mind. Although, I will admit that the stuff I had written on paper seemed to be more fitting to who I was then, it is definitely not who I am or want to be ever. During those times all I ever wanted to do was please people who I assumed loved me as I did them and based my whole life around them. Of course, now in the present I find the use and term of love different which is my whole premise in writing this note.
I have been evaluating this emotion and have come to terms that I have only once experienced this, but I have also come to terms that it was not real…to love someone must also take that person whom you are with to love one back and not just say “I love you” and later on when things no longer seem to work here them say that you never loved you in that way…This happened to me and has made me very indifferent about relationships causing me to be a bit of a mess when I am in a relationship. The main issue that is bugging me with this whole thing is the emotion of “Love” and what that truly is. I mean, people seem to fall in love and out of love and find a new love but how so? Can people actually be capable of loving one person until then end, or is it just in our nature to make ourselves tolerate one person till the end? Not only am I putting my personal issue in on this topic, but seeing people who are in relationships and do not like/love who they are with but still stay with them is mindboggling to me! This has only been messing with my view on “love” and how it is easily used and maybe even taken advantage of. Maybe I am missing something about that whole scenario because I seem to know at least 3 people in this situation and it just does not make sense to me.
I can say that I am open to allowing myself to feel this emotion with someone else, but it also makes me scared because I do not want the same heartbreak I’ve been through before. I am happy with my life and those who are in it and I would pretty much do anything for those people. The new people I have meet in this year who have entered into my life I truly am growing to care for them more and more every day which can lead me down to a path of feeling the emotion I am discussing, and then again maybe I am just putting too much thought on it all. If anyone has a better understanding of this and wants to give me advice or enlighten me, and would love to read what you think!
