Take me as I am

So here’s everything:

                I am Amy a girl who has always lived by the rules and had set plans. Over the years I have broken my rules and plans in order to be one with the rest of the world and not “old fashion” as most would call it.  Although I look back in regret to most of my decisions, I must look forward to what I have been able to accomplish and realize that I have amazing people in my life. I may not agree with certain circumstances but I also cannot change what is meant to be or has been done. I must learn to forgive, forget and move away from my past and other people’s past. Along with these I must also try and change my issues with trust and jealousy.  To have my trust that means one usually also has my heart and that is another big deal. Being in my current relationship I am lucky to be with someone who has trust even after his past experiences which I greatly admire. I wish to learn how to trust again but it will take time. I know that in this relationship in order for it to work I must trust him and he knows the consequences if he does not follow through with it.

                 Jealousy on the other hand, is something new that I started dealing with in the beginning of 2012 and I hate it. I feel that it is childish and only brings me more stress. I am jealous of people I don’t know and shouldn’t be jealous of. It’s sad but true and I usually take others down because of this. I want a clearer head and a less jealous perception of things.  I share this with everyone because I am open and try to be honest with myself and the world. I am a person that believes there is someone else out there who is going through a similar situation or has gone through it and by sharing it helps us to move forward.

                One thing I need to make clear now to everyone is that I have made my choice in my life to be with someone who was not in my plan by my standards and that’s okay. Although there have been issues with me and coming to terms with the fact that he is everything I said I would never date because of a kid and marriage, I made an exception and I am glad that I did though…even if I was still second guessing it the past couple of months.  I know in my heart that he is the one I want for now and until I no longer exist. He makes me happy and loves me more than I probably give him credit.  I hope that those who doubt in this relationship understand that it’s not theirs but mine and I am going to proceed with it and hope they will just be happy that I am happy.  Quentin I love you and I am sorry for any hurt I have bestowed on you. I know you have been a punching bag for me more than a few time since you moved down here and I am truly sorry. I hope we can continue to build on this relationship and move on to our 40 years we have left together! I love you now and always!

Goodbye 2012

                I’ve been skipping these end of the year blog post I use to do every year for the past couple years but since I’m in the writing mood I might as well do one this year. I guess this year was pretty good as I step back and reflect on it. I graduated from ASU with my Bachelor’s then got accepted to Graduate school at U of A soon after making my move in June to Tucson. I have a successful start with that but not as successful as I wanted it to be due to taking on more than I could handle leading me to my main resolution for 2013: DON’T TAKE MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE…I think that is a good one, saying No should somehow tie in there as well. Next, the worst month of the year is usually my favorite one because it involves my birthday and Halloween as well as the best weather and colors and that was October. Life is too short and you don’t realize it until you lose those you love and also have other personal demons I must deal with and resolve if not I will not be happy ever.  I cried so much that month that I just couldn’t cry after a while, and I do not want to relive that again. I made a decision to better myself in November by accepting that I have some personal issue I have been dealing with for a long time. I am trying to be more confident and comfortable in my own skin and also accepting that I am in a relationship that if we continue for our planned 40 years and get married, it won’t be his first and he has a kid as well: not that I didn’t know all this but this is something that I have an issue with that I am working on my own. I either accept being #2 or move on and try and follow my past plan of being someone’s first…I really don’t find it fair to just move on when do love this guy and has been so supportive of me, even with this issue, I guess things are just a step at a time and I have to remember that I CHOSE THIS CUP.

                Finally, this last month of December I have made decisions that I hope will be for the best especially with being in school and that is to leave Starbucks. I have given a lot of my time to this company and as much as I will miss it, the time has come to close this chapter. I thank EVERYONE I worked with and ALL my customers even the crazy one that threw a cheese Danish at my head and made me cry, because all of those memories and the experience has helped mold me into the person I am. I think I wouldn’t have to social skills I have now without the Starbucks experience. I hope that I finish school as planned and even if I get a 3.0 all the way, I will take it which I cannot believe I am writing that down since I would NEVER had said that in the past. I just want to be the best I can for me and for all those that will have to deal with me. I plan for better health, mentally and physically as well as being stronger in speaking up and dealing with my emotions.

I wish everyone a safe and happy new year and I hope that people continue to remember the important things in life and love those around especially you family!

Peace, Love and May the force be with you all,

Amy

Oh love, oh life!

Lately, I have been a mess! With all of the excitement of relocating to Tucson for graduate school I have also been extremely stressed out! I literally forgot how to spell my last name and my brain is constantly throbbing with a sharp pain from just continuously thinking of everything! I'm hoping some of this stress simmers down since I am moving on the 22nd of this month which is 2 weeks away! I know a lot of my stress right now is just trying to figure out how I'm gonna do it ALONE!

I have always been around people and moving out by myself, will be different. Knowing that I will not be able to see my family when ever is going to be a bit strange at first but I know eventually someone will come down and say hello. I think my main worry lately has been the fact that I will be in a relationship where I will probably only see my boyfriend one every other week. Even though we see each other once or twice a week regularly, knowing that I'm an extra hour away than what I already am from him is killing me! I know it sounds silly and I try  telling myself to snap out of it but I have come to the terms that I really do love Quentin. I never thought I could let myself feel this emotion again in the extent that I have because I did that once and totally had my heart broken not once but twice by the same guy. I guess the only difference between then and now is that I have become smarter in getting to the love stage than with the last, which made me more sure that I am madly in love with him. I fear this feeling but I also embrace it because it brings me the happiness I was lacking for a few years before him.

I know in my heart that we can still make things work apart and I just need to keep hoping for him to get his break down in Tucson so we can be together everyday possible. Next Friday we will be heading back down to Tucson for an other meet and greet at a potential place of work for him. I really hope he gets it!  For now, I'll just keep moving forward and keep loving like I have never loved before. Here's to the present and future.

Update on my Chaotic life

It has been almost over a year that I have had an update! I use to be so good at this and I am thinking this will be good to get back to doing because I find blogging as a way to relive stress and I have had plenty lately! Of course with that stress there is the good like being accepted into graduate school for Library Science which has been my main goal since starting school almost 3 years ago! Now the stressful part is relocating to Tucson and having enough money to pay the bills and go to school full time. I also hope that Quentin finds a job down there so he can move in with me because he really knows how to bring me back to a normal state when I'm just stressing! Hopefully, everything falls into place. I'll be posting more often!

This time, I will be listening

I’ve always been a person who better expresses herself with written words than spoken words.  I have wished to fix that over the years but I feel that written words last forever as opposed to those spoken.  I have recently come across some of my old journals and they have made me realize that I have changed more than I had ever imagined changing within a 3 year time span.  I have broken all my rules when it comes to where and who I should be with and how I should be.  I have changed my plans I made 3 years ago and realized that all my life I have based my life off schedules of who, where and how I should be….I am grateful that I have not followed those plans I have set in the past and live my life with an open mind.  Although, I will admit that the stuff I had written on paper seemed to be more fitting to who I was then, it is definitely not who I am or want to be ever.  During those times all I ever wanted to do was please people who I assumed loved me as I did them and based my whole life around them.  Of course, now in the present I find the use and term of love different which is my whole premise in writing this note. 

 I have been evaluating this emotion and have come to terms that I have only once experienced this, but I have also come to terms that it was not real…to love someone must also take  that person whom you are with to love one back and not just say “I love you” and later on when things no longer seem to work  here them say that you never loved  you in that way…This happened to me and has made me very indifferent about relationships causing me to be a bit of a mess when I am in a relationship.  The main issue that is bugging me with this whole thing is the emotion of “Love” and what that truly is.  I mean, people seem to fall in love and out of love and find a new love but how so?  Can people actually be capable of loving one person until then end, or is it just in our nature to make ourselves tolerate one person till the end? Not only am I putting my personal issue in on this topic, but seeing people who are in relationships and do not like/love who they are with but still stay with them is mindboggling to me! This has only been messing with my view on “love” and how it is easily used and maybe even taken advantage of.  Maybe I am missing something about that whole scenario because I seem to know at least 3 people in this situation and it just does not make sense to me.

 I can say that I am open to allowing myself to feel this emotion with someone else, but it also makes me scared because I do not want the same heartbreak I’ve been through before.  I am happy with my life and those who are in it and I would pretty much do anything for those people.  The new people I have meet in this year who have entered into my life I truly am growing to care for them more and more every day which can lead me down to a path of feeling the emotion I am discussing, and then again maybe I am just putting too much thought on it all.  If anyone has a better understanding of this and wants to give me advice or enlighten me, and would love to read what you think!

Whoa!

I have not been on here in forever! I miss writing and baking and everything else this blog had became, but school and work have taken my priorities and I have not baked in a while! Heck, I have not even made a cooked meal in a while! I guess what I am going to say  is, this will probably no longer be a food blog but more a blog of my life and my last year at ASU!!! I will hope to be finished in May and start at U OF A in the Fall of next year.  I can say so much has changed in just this year that I have not blogged and writing about it would probably make a novel, possibly a television drama.  I will just post the few highlights that have made the year:

1. My sister Ari had Chloe and is now having the 2nd on this weekend! (Crazy, huh?!)
2. I broke my Single status and have been dating a wonderful guy by the name of Quentin whom I meet in my History 300 class. I get to see him and his awesome son Jase on the weekends mainly which is always fun!
3. Went to Disneyland for spring break with Quentin and that was wonderful as usual, I am glad I did not scare him off since we spent 3 days there! ha We also did Six Flags which was a blast
4. I went to comic con this year again and had a blast! Get's better and bigger each year! I saw Robert Lopez again and was still too scared to go up to him! ha
5. Harry Potter is finally over! =( Went to the midnight showing like all the others and cried through most of it!
6. Saw Alkaline Trio this week and had a blast! Still love them and probably always will <3
7. Now just waiting for Fall semester to start!

There was more stuff in there, but those were the highlights. ha I probably skipped one, but hey the year is not over yet!

It's been a summer!

With school and work it's been hard to keep this blog going.  I am still alive and I did make those cookies, except they didn't make it to the frosting process!  They where delicious on their own.  =)

I have also been helping with the planning of my sister's baby shower which is a lot of work but tons of fun! =) I cannot wait to have my Chole here so I can spoil her!

My 4th of July was spent working and just relaxing with the sister and family. I did wear my favorite denim summer dress to keep it cool!  Hope all is well with everyone this summer!